What happens when a pitbull picks a fight with a porcupine?
Don’t click to read more if you are squeamish!
This is just wrong. It hurts to look at it.
Three older gals were chatting about the problems of aging gracefully. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in, “Oh yes, Ethel, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table. . . Suddenly she said, “Oh, darn! That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.
“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I am the designated decoy!”
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”
I wish I could take credit for the following e-mail, enjoy.
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.
Know the real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
Author is unknown
In case you were wondering if I had more quotes like the ones I used for the “Falling post” I decided to post all the quotes. Enjoy!
Something Got Lost in the Translation…
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
– Not to be used for the other use.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
– Warning: keep out of children
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS
– Why not try tossing over your favorite
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
– For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
– Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
– Instructions: open packet; eat nuts.
ON BOOTS CHILDREN’S COUGH MEDICINE
– Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
– Product will be hot after heating
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
– Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
– Do not Iron clothes on body
ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS
– Warning: contains nuts
ON TESCO’S TIRIMISU DESERT
– Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on the bottom of the box.)
For the second installment I decided to go with another picture, but some stories I have almost made it.
For those of us with our native tongue as English, sometimes we take for granted the idiosyncrasies of our language. Statements like “Lost money found” or “Grandmothers Old-fashion Brand New Cookies” make perfect sense to us (or most of us). Sometime things just get Lost in Translation . . .
I often receive e-mail that makes me chuckle and adds a little humor to my day, so I thought it would be nice to start posting my “funny” library for everyone.
Today’s installment of “What’s That?” starts a series of pictures, quotes and stories that will make you look twice and hopefully add a bright spot to your day.